12 October 2022
And here is the second of three versions of this scene, where I introduce Suzune. In the last one, I made her too old; she’s supposed to be Hanako’s age, but I made her the general over a major part of the army. This time, it feels like I went to far the other direction; she’s lacking in confidence, and as a result she’s too focused on what everyone around her thinks of her. That didn’t quite fit my image of who I wanted the character to be. It’s also vague and nebulous, with too much “telling” (especially about the way others treat her) and not enough “showing”.
That’s actually why I’m really glad I wrote this; seeing the ways I was dissatisfied helped me get a firmer grasp on Suzune’s character, and I think was key in helping me grow as a writer, too.
Suzune stood among the other officers along the tent wall. It was dark outside; when Captain Takamoto’s squad had arrived with half their members, without the supplies, the general had ordered an emergency staff meeting.
“And this lone oni girl forced your entire squadron to retreat, Captain?”
“Yes, General. But she fought like no other oni we’ve ever encountered. She was no enraged beast, but a blade in the wind. Please do not underestimate her.”
When she heard that, Suzune’s blood began to boil, and she barely kept herself from grinning. Here, at last, was a worthy foe. Perhaps, if she performed well here, the other officers would look past her horns and cobalt blue skin, and she’d stop hearing whispers of “the shogun’s pet oni”.
The general watched Captain Takamoto for several moments. “And was the town aiding this oni swordswoman?”
“Both the village elder and the girl denied it, but I can think of no other reason she would defend it so earnestly.”
The general nodded to himself and rose. He looked around at each of the officers present and declared, “Sheltering a youkai is treason against the shogunate. All enemies of the shogun will perish! At dawn, move out; we shall bring the full might of this battalion to bear against these traitors.”
Recognizing an opportunity, Suzune stepped forward and knelt down. She placed her fist over her heart in salute. “Permission to speak, sir!”
Several of the other officers began to snicker amongst themselves, but the general waved a hand to silence them. “You may speak, Lieutenant Suzune.”
Suzune rose. “Sir, based on Captain Takamoto’s report, I propose we split our forces. This oni swordswoman seems to be the most serious threat; one force could draw her out and neutralize her, while the other attacks the town.”
The general stroked his beard. “Do you believe this swordswoman to be that significant a threat?”
Though Suzune would never admit it, she sincerely hoped so. “I do not know, but I trust in Captain Takamoto’s integrity and the skill of his squad. And I believe it is often better to exercise caution in front of an unfamiliar and dangerous opponent.”
The general nodded. “Please continue.”
Suzune bowed, hiding the smile that crept over her face. Then she spent the next thirty minutes using the battle map to explain the finer details of her plan.
Current Draft of Hanako’s story (including unposted content)