DREAMS of a CLOUD
Peruse the many random ramblings of a writer-in-training as I build stories and develop my craft.
14 October 2022
From the side, Lieutenant Nakamura, one of the youngest of the senior officers, snorted. “Another intelligent oni? Isn’t one enough?”
Several of the officers glanced up at the horns on Suzune’s head, but she ignored them. “Even the more bestial youkai have a certain measure of cunning, Lieutenant Nakamura. And losing to one of them would cost you more than just your dignity.”
So here we are; the most up-to-date version of Suzune’s introduction. It has plenty of issues - there’s no reference to Suzune’s blue skin, for one - but I still feel pretty satisfied with it for the current draft.
I think the biggest difference was that I’d taken the time to identify a few other members in the meeting, and their general attitudes. This worked great; I have plans now for both Nakamura and Ito in the future that came about as I planned out the final battle in this arc. I feel like both of them will enrich the story, compared to what it would have been.
Suzune, adoptive daughter to the shogun himself, stood behind and to the right of the general’s chair as his aide-de-camp. After Captain Takamoto had returned with only half his squad and no supplies, the general had ordered and emergency staff meeting.
“And this lone oni girl is the one that forced you and your men to retreat?” the general confirmed.
“Yes, General. But she fought like no other we’ve encountered. She was no enraged beast, but a blade in the wind. Please do not underestimate her, despite our failure.”
From the side, Lieutenant Nakamura, one of the youngest of the senior officers, snorted. “Another intelligent oni? Isn’t one enough?”
Several of the officers glanced up at the horns on Suzune’s head, but she ignored them. “Even the more bestial youkai have a certain measure of cunning, Lieutenant Nakamura. And losing to one of them would cost you more than just your dignity.”
Nakamura’s face turned scarlet, but he held his tongue. The general turned his focus back to Takamoto. “Is there anything else you can tell us about this oni? What powers did she exhibit?”
Takamoto paused. “She seemed to prefer to disarm and nullify opponents rather than kill them. In addition to her swordplay, she also has great strength and durability.” He drew his sword - what was left of it - and presented it to the general. “She caught and crushed my blade with one hand. In addition, I believe she has some kind of hidden power that allows her to transform.”
As he spoke, Suzune had to focus to keep the smile off her face. This swordswoman promised to be a worthy foe. But if Suzune let her battle lust show, that would only vindicate the men who looked down on her as “the shogun’s pet oni”. Worse, it would dishonor her father.
The general stroked his beard. “Was the village aiding or sheltering this oni swordswoman?”
“Both the village elder and the girl herself denied it. However, I cannot think of any other reason for an oni to defend this village so vehemently.”
The general nodded to himself. “Is there anything else you wish to report?”
The captain hesitated, then said, “I found the oni’s last words intriguing. She pointed out the fear the villagers had of us, more than they even feared her, and accused us of being the true monsters.”
Suzune blinked in surprise. Before she could process her thoughts, though, Captain Ito, the oldest of the officers, glowered at her and declared, “Monsters? Indeed! Like the monster we have let into our ranks!”
“With all due respect,” Captain Takamoto cut in, “they had no way of knowing about Lieutenant Suzune. She referred to the soldiers of our army; ‘rapists and thieves’, she called them.”
An uproar broke out as everyone shouted at once, but everyone stilled as soon as the general stood up. “It is clear to me that these villagers have something to hide,” he declared. “They fear us because they fear what we might discover. To aid an oni, one of our enemies, is an act of treason against the shogunate, and we will answer in kind!”
A roar of approval filled the tent, and whatever flutter of doubt Suzune may have had flittered away.
The general turned to her and asked, “How do you propose we deal with this threat, Lieutenant Suzune?”
Suzune stepped toward the battle map, but before she could speak, Nakamura saluted the general and asked, “General, why trust this… oni girl with tactical decisions? Surely there are more qualified individuals present!” Several of the others, including Ito, nodded along.
The general nodded to her, and Suzune turned to Nakamura. “Perhaps if you proved more adept than I at strategic thinking, Lieutenant Nakamura, he would ask you. Unless you are requesting a rematch of our shogi game? Perhaps your skills have improved since last time.”
Once more, Nakamura could say nothing. Suzune looked at each of the officers, but none would meet her gaze.
She turned back to the map. “If what Captain Takamoto said about the oni swordswoman is true, then she is the most dangerous threat. I propose we send a small force to lure her back into the woods here.” She pointed to a copse of trees located about a mile down the road from the village. “Then our main force can attack the village from this direction. In the event the oni proves even more dangerous than expected, or if the village has other defenses lying in wait, we should still be positioned to bring our full army to bear on the issue.”
She then laid specific plans for how to confront the oni, potential traps that could be lying in wait for them, and general terrain conditions. The war council agreed to her plan, and she was assigned to the force confronting the oni.
And since that meant she could fight this oni swordswoman, well, who was she to complain?
Current Draft of Hanako’s story (including unposted content)
12 October 2022
Suzune stood among the other officers along the tent wall. It was dark outside; when Captain Takamoto’s squad had arrived with half their members, without the supplies, the general had ordered an emergency staff meeting.
“And this lone oni girl forced your entire squadron to retreat, Captain?”
“Yes, General. But she fought like no other oni we’ve ever encountered. She was no enraged beast, but a blade in the wind. Please do not underestimate her.”
When she heard that, Suzune’s blood began to boil, and she barely kept herself from grinning. Here, at last, was a worthy foe. Perhaps, if she performed well here, the other officers would look past her horns and cobalt blue skin, and she’d stop hearing whispers of “the shogun’s pet oni”.
And here is the second of three versions of this scene, where I introduce Suzune. In the last one, I made her too old; she’s supposed to be Hanako’s age, but I made her the general over a major part of the army. This time, it feels like I went to far the other direction; she’s lacking in confidence, and as a result she’s too focused on what everyone around her thinks of her. That didn’t quite fit my image of who I wanted the character to be. It’s also vague and nebulous, with too much “telling” (especially about the way others treat her) and not enough “showing”.
That’s actually why I’m really glad I wrote this; seeing the ways I was dissatisfied helped me get a firmer grasp on Suzune’s character, and I think was key in helping me grow as a writer, too.
Suzune stood among the other officers along the tent wall. It was dark outside; when Captain Takamoto’s squad had arrived with half their members, without the supplies, the general had ordered an emergency staff meeting.
“And this lone oni girl forced your entire squadron to retreat, Captain?”
“Yes, General. But she fought like no other oni we’ve ever encountered. She was no enraged beast, but a blade in the wind. Please do not underestimate her.”
When she heard that, Suzune’s blood began to boil, and she barely kept herself from grinning. Here, at last, was a worthy foe. Perhaps, if she performed well here, the other officers would look past her horns and cobalt blue skin, and she’d stop hearing whispers of “the shogun’s pet oni”.
The general watched Captain Takamoto for several moments. “And was the town aiding this oni swordswoman?”
“Both the village elder and the girl denied it, but I can think of no other reason she would defend it so earnestly.”
The general nodded to himself and rose. He looked around at each of the officers present and declared, “Sheltering a youkai is treason against the shogunate. All enemies of the shogun will perish! At dawn, move out; we shall bring the full might of this battalion to bear against these traitors.”
Recognizing an opportunity, Suzune stepped forward and knelt down. She placed her fist over her heart in salute. “Permission to speak, sir!”
Several of the other officers began to snicker amongst themselves, but the general waved a hand to silence them. “You may speak, Lieutenant Suzune.”
Suzune rose. “Sir, based on Captain Takamoto’s report, I propose we split our forces. This oni swordswoman seems to be the most serious threat; one force could draw her out and neutralize her, while the other attacks the town.”
The general stroked his beard. “Do you believe this swordswoman to be that significant a threat?”
Though Suzune would never admit it, she sincerely hoped so. “I do not know, but I trust in Captain Takamoto’s integrity and the skill of his squad. And I believe it is often better to exercise caution in front of an unfamiliar and dangerous opponent.”
The general nodded. “Please continue.”
Suzune bowed, hiding the smile that crept over her face. Then she spent the next thirty minutes using the battle map to explain the finer details of her plan.
Current Draft of Hanako’s story (including unposted content)
11 October 2022
General Suzune, head of the Dragon’s Battalion and the adoptive daughter of the shogun, looked down at Captain Takamoto, who bowed before her. “And a single oni forced your entire squadron to retreat?”
“Yes, General. But she fights like no other oni we’ve encountered; rather than an enraged beast, she was a master swordswoman. Please do not underestimate her, despite our weakness.”
“I see.” She resisted the urge to smile; perhaps here, finally, she’d find a worthy foe.
We finally meet the other half of the “blue oni, red oni” duo. That said, Suzune at this point hadn’t quite finished baking if you will. I knew she existed, but not details. In particular, here, I forgot how old she was supposed to be, and focused on how much epic potential she had. That… would have caused a lot of problems. I also play with how redeemable the captain was going to be; unfortunately, perhaps as a side effect of making Suzune more sympathetic, he winds up a lot less sympathetic in the final version.
As a result, I actually rewrote this scene two other times, on the 12th and 14th. Just trying things out, figuring out what fit, and using this scene to try to learn who Suzune really was. I’m fairly satisfied with the result, though.
General Suzune, head of the Dragon’s Battalion and the adoptive daughter of the shogun, looked down at Captain Takamoto, who bowed before her. “And a single oni forced your entire squadron to retreat?”
“Yes, General. But she fights like no other oni we’ve encountered; rather than an enraged beast, she was a master swordswoman. Please do not underestimate her, despite our weakness.”
“I see.” She resisted the urge to smile; perhaps here, finally, she’d find a worthy foe. She stood, and all eyes turned toward her. Her cobalt blue skin naturally drew attention, and her six foot frame only increased the impact of her presence, along with the black horns on either side of her forehead.
“And the town was allied with this oni swordswoman?” she confirmed.
“Both the village elder and the girl herself denied it, but I can think of no other reason for her to exert so much effort in its defense,” the captain replied.
Suzune nodded and looked to the other officers in the room. Many dropped their eyes, but a few worthy of respect met her gaze. She declared, “To ally with the enemy is to declare one’s self to be an enemy of the shogun. Is that agreed?”
Not a one of the officers dared do anything but nod. Suzune continued, “And therefore, as an enemy, it is our duty to make an example of them.” She pointed to the map. “The greatest threat is this oni swordswoman. So to draw her out, we will send our main force directly here, through the forest.” She gestured to Takamoto. “Meanwhile, you and your squadron, along with fifty other men of my choosing, will come in from here and attack the village. I hope you take this chance to redeem yourselves.”
The officers saluted, thumping their chest with their fists, and slowly filed out. Once they had, though, Captain Takamoto remained.
Suzune raised an eyebrow. “Was there something else, Captain?”
He hesitated, then said, “I suppose I just wondered what makes us different from the youkai.”
Current Draft of Hanako’s story (including unposted content)